Hey Refactual it’s Dean again!
Hope you’ve been enjoying the training.
So… let’s talk about this hidden psychological glitch…
Because it’s like the invisible force that can actually keep you shy. Even when you learn new social skills and try to “get out there.”
What does science have to say about this issue?
Well, before you go any further, you need to watch a short video (2 min).
In it I describe the skills of a social natural I knew back in college.
It’s important context for understanding the lesson in today’s email.
Here’s the link…
Ok, let’s continue.
Remember the 5 social skills lies I mentioned before?
The ones that can actually make people more awkward and insecure?
Just in case, let’s quickly review:
Lie #1: “You just need to be yourself.”
What the “experts” fail to understand is… people in our situation often don’t know HOW to “just be ourselves.”
In fact, shyness and insecurity can make it seem we don’t have much of a personality at all.
I remember being so cautious, I rarely gave my opinion if it differed from the group. So no one saw the real me anymore. And after putting up that front for so long, even I forgot who I was.
Lie #2: “You have to ‘just be confident’ OR ‘just get out there.'”
Ever try to convince yourself to be confident? To face your fears? But in the end, it only feels your nervousness gets stronger?
Bargaining like this doesn’t work. But there is a science-backed way to switch on confidence. It’s just a WAY different process than most common advice suggests.
Lie #3: “Start using this ONE tactic and overnight everyone will like you.”
I don’t know about you, but the “instant results” claims NEVER worked for me. It’s just marketing hype. There’s no science behind it.
All it does is discourage people when they don’t get the promised “overnight results.”
Lie #4: “Learn these ’93 social tricks’ or ‘101 conversation starters’ and all your problems are solved.”
Most people report this approach overwhelms them.
It’s just too many tactics in your head at once. It can paralyze you. Or make you seem more awkward than ever.
No easy-to-follow STRATEGY is ever given to turn all those tricks (most of them useless) into real life results.
Lie #5: “Memorize these scripts of exactly what to say and do.”
This advice is the worst. Most of it is so far outside people’s comfort zone, they feel too nervous to attempt it.
Or if they do try, they say they feel fake… Or that they come across like a robot.
Besides, conversations are too chaotic. You can’t plan for everything in advance. And with the right skills, there’s no need to.
As I mentioned, these are all what I call “social shortcuts.” They might help a little.
But usually they fall flat.
Because they’re too simplistic. And they don’t address the underlying issue causing your insecurities.
So what are these underlying issues?
What Science Has To Say About Getting Ignored
See the reason Pete (video here) was able to so easily charm people, while I struggled to even get noticed, was ultimately because of FEAR.
And if you also tend to get ignored or have your interactions fall flat, it’s likely because your fear of rejection, uncertainty and nervousness are stuck on overdrive.
So they continue to automatically show up. And they sabotage you every time.
EVEN if you feel you aren’t shy. That you don’t necessarily feel anxiety or nervousness around people… You just don’t know what to say.
I’ll explain this in a sec.
Why You Might Get Brushed Off And Can’t Connect…
Let’s first assume you DO feel a bit nervous and uncertain when facing situations or people who intimidate you. When you try some new technique or script (if you can force yourself to try at all)…
People SENSE that nervousness. Because non-verbal “Micro-expressions” (you can’t control) broadcast it every time.
AND cells in people’s brains called “Mirror Neurons” cause others to FEEL your feelings of discomfort.
Overall, this makes you seem low-value to others and not worth their time.
This is why you might still get brushed off and ignored. Even though you’re trying to be more social. Even though you might have all the best “social tricks.”
It makes connecting and making new friends very difficult.
Why You Don’t Know What To Say…
Some people tell me, “It’s not that I’m afraid of people or nervous, I just don’t know what to say.”
Well you know the number 1 reason people give me for not having anything to say?
They say they can’t think of anything “good enough.” They worry they’ll bore people. Or they’ll sound stupid.
The only reason they have these concerns is because they FEAR disapproval from the other person.
Deep down that’s what’s really going on. Even if it might not feel like fear in the moment.
And when you’re in a state of fear, your body and mind become energy hogs…
Your heart beat increases. Your breathing quickens. Muscles tense. Your mind becomes hyper-vigilant for possible threats.
This all means you have less energy and mental power to be spontaneous, fun and witty socially. You’re focusing so much on what NOT to say, you become blind to all you could say.
If that fear wasn’t there, you could talk with strangers as easily as close friends. You’d feel as relaxed and witty as when you’re alone.
And because people sense your vibe of confidence…
Because they see you’re not needy…
You instantly go into the “high value” category in their mind. The same category as the “naturals.”
(THIS is how Pete was able to charm people so quickly.)
Social shortcuts have NO hope of addressing these deeper issues of fear. THAT’S why they’re just not enough.
Sure some high-impact “what to say and do” skills ARE part of the equation. The kind that help you get attention, start conversations and keep them going, impress in the right moments, etc.
I’ve learned these and I teach them.
Still most important is fixing this hidden psychological glitch…
…since that creates the fear in the first place. And can lock it in till the very end. Resulting in a life alone and un-lived.
I wanted to explain that in this email but whew! It’s already way long enough.
So we’ll pick up tomorrow on that topic.
P.S. – Just wanted to give you an example of the real life results that can happen by fixing this hidden psychological glitch.
Here’s an email I got from one of my students, Brett…
(Click to Enlarge)
If you’d like to know more about how he (and many others) did it, here’s a more in depth training video.